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FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation. 
Hi, welcome to adulthood! You’ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep
Just overheard someone say they need an "escape goat" for their project & I can't decide if they're a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Every superhero has a secret identity except Aquaman because no one cares he's Aquaman
Wild horses could drag me away from anything. They're wild horses. The more important question is: who tied me to these wild horses?
If we have learned anything lately, it's to never run from a lazy cop.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don't want to hear about it.
I am gluten intolerance intolerant. I can't stand hearing people talk about their gluten intolerance.
Comcast complains to the better business bureau....isn't it ironic....don't ya think?
So Not Paying Your Child Support CAN cost you Your Life!
Once you go black you can never afford to go back
My Wife is pissed off at me for being such glutton. I think she must be glutton intolerant.
Yes a few rounds being dumped into your back is above and beyond excessive force. And murder. But once again, it's very simple, if you comply, you don't die... Pants Up Don't Loot!!!
The NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
plantar fasciitis is my arch nemesis.
I dont care who you are, I want your name - Police
Birthdays are like boogers, the more you have the harder it is to breathe.
@CauseWereGuys: If you get pulled over for a DUI, you should get 1 chance to beat Rainbow Road on Mario Kart w/o falling off. If you can, you're free to go.
Once you go black your credit goes bad.
Barry Manilow gets married to partner and comes out of the closet..... World rolls eyes and says, "Oh Gee Barry, we had no clue."
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