Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

   Fingering a fat girl is like trying to steal snacks from a vending machine.

   I find between 27-30 is a great age for men. You're still young enough to date college women...and old enough for their moms.

   the wife just woke me up and told me to quit snoring, I said I never snore I just dream I'm a motorcycle. ..

   thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I've done a lot of "marathons"

   You're doable, not dateable. Know your place.

   I own 13 pairs of black yoga pants just in case you want to question my white girl status.

   Me: I gotta go home. I'm bleeding and my computer is broken. Boss: It looks like you just slammed your head through your monitor. Me: What is this, CSI?

   If a tree falls in the woods, but then just pretends to be tying its shoes, do the other trees notice?

   I ate so many chips I pooped an Eric Estrada.

   What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.

   Teaching my 9 year old to sew. She'll make a great wife in 1897.

   What's the opposite of carpe, because that's what I'll be doing to the day.

   This dualing piano bar would be more enjoyable if I actually got to watch 2 pianists fight to the death like I had orignally anticipated.

   Free weed > free drinks

   A lot of my problems seem to start by waking up in the morning.

   Oh I can't, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

   If love is a battlefield then I keep dying in basic training.

   I put my pants on like anyone else. By court ordered mandate.

   She's all that and a bottle of vodka.