Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough

   Happy day after St. Patrick's day...also known as untagging yourself from photos day.

   I've been married for "the only way to get my wife to scream in bed is to fart in my sleep" years.

   That selfie looks like your daddy missed a lot of ballet recitals.

   Hearing you moan is the sexiest sound ever, even if it just involves you awkwardly eating nachos

   *Tries to finger paint* Paint: "I have a boyfriend".

   My son asked me what marriage is like, so I ignroed him and walked away.

   My super power is being able to make a quickie quicker.

   I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!

   Please stop calling them "zombies." They are "living impaired."

   Dog is man's best friend. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Therefore, a dog made out of diamonds should be everybody's friend.

   Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

   Note to self......Don't chest bump the elderly.....not a good thing.....trust me on this one...

   Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural when there are two boobs but only one butt?

   OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?

   Breaking News :: the groundhog says 1 more week of WINTER

   to the lady in the office complaining about her man.... you can't spell MANAGEMENT without MANAGE MEN. if you can't manage 1 guy don't expect a promotion to be in charge of 10 men

   Kraft is recalling 7 million boxes of mac and cheese after several people reported finding minuscule amounts of nutrients inside.

   Q: How do you tell the difference between a Black Bear and a Grizzly Bear? A: The Black Bear smokes Newport's.

   I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized it was just a homeless guy yelling at pigeon.