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Just saw a sign at the hospital. "Planned Parenting. Use Rear Door". I suppose that would work. 
I wish I were an octopus so I could hug you, grab your ass, grope your boobies, play Playstation, and eat Pizza all at the same time.
I think Al Sharpton may just be the most underrated comedian of our time.
If you can moonwalk, that better be the first thing I know about you.
Friday the 13th might be an unlucky day, but when you live in the land of bacon, badasses and bald eagles, every day is a lucky day....... #America
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
It’s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
How many singers have sung "The Wind Beneath My Wings" and the general public still doesn't understand it's the wind over your wings that gives you lift. Wind beneath your wings causes a stall. That changes the whole meaning of the song!
Last I heard, my guardian angel was in the ER with alcohol poisoning.
F**k me if I'm wrong, but do you want to kiss me?
If you watch Friday the 13th backwards, Jason's machete is a magic wand that brings kids back to life and sends them to summer camp...
Frogger taught me the importance of looking both ways before hopping across the road.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.
It would be a hoot if Hillary becomes president and then appoints Obama to the US Supreme Court
You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace
I never trust a politician 'til I see his sleeves rolled up, then I realize "WHOA that is one hard-workin' public servant."
Of course I woke up happy.....Its Steak and a BJ day
The next person to tell me it's Pi day is going to die.
DR: I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it. ME: Was it *sniff* *sniff* because of not enough prayers on Facebook? DR: I'm afraid so sir.
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