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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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FACT: If you give your kid's name a retarted spelling, I will pronounce it like I am retarted.
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02-25-2015 12:38
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My nickname at work is, "Shhhh, here he comes"
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02-25-2015 12:49
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Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
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02-25-2015 12:50
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When my parents told me to make something of myself, I don't think a mockery is what they had in mind.
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02-25-2015 12:52
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Judging by the gold teeth in this Footlocker employees mouth, either he has a side job or Footlocker has phenomenal detal benefits.
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02-25-2015 12:56
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Going in to talk to my financial advisor feels a lot like going in to talk to my middle school principal.
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02-25-2015 12:58
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i really need a blue sky 80 degree holliday !!!!
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02-25-2015 14:21
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I just finished running 3 miles on the treadmill!!!! Just kidding...I'm on my third cookie.
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02-25-2015 15:13
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My husband confrimed my suspicions that he never wants to have sex again when he told me the house isn't clean enough.
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02-25-2015 15:24
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Can you beleive that some cultures still communicate with a series of clicks and primitive heirglyphs? *clicks furiously at keyboard* *adds 17 emojis*
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02-25-2015 15:25
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Madonna just thanked everyone for their prayers on her CompuServe account.
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02-26-2015 06:13
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The mind is everything my friends; what you think long enough... you eventually become.
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02-26-2015 06:19
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I asked my wife for a blowjob, she told me she gave blowjobs up for lint. So I brought home my girlfriend.
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02-26-2015 07:14
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Weed in DC? Oh that's really going to slow things down.... oh wait....never mind!
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02-26-2015 08:14
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Damn it...... I've been eating Thin Mints like crazy and haven't lost a freakin pound?
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02-26-2015 10:35 by
sully
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1
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Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
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02-26-2015 12:16 by
Cory
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No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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02-26-2015 12:34 by
Baddie
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one time I came home early and walked in on my dog pretending to be me. he was just lying on the floor sighing but I know it was me
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02-26-2015 12:42 by
Czovczov
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Kylie Jenner is 17 and just bought a house at $2.7 million and I have to think twice before adding guacamole at Chipotle
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02-26-2015 12:53
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69... Some might call it nasty... I call it a romantic dinner for 2
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02-26-2015 13:07 by
@1_Jack_Jacko
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