Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

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   messageicon FACT: If you give your kid's name a retarted spelling, I will pronounce it like I am retarted.
←Rate | 02-25-2015 12:38 Comments (2)  


   messageicon My nickname at work is, "Shhhh, here he comes"
←Rate | 02-25-2015 12:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
←Rate | 02-25-2015 12:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When my parents told me to make something of myself, I don't think a mockery is what they had in mind.
←Rate | 02-25-2015 12:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Judging by the gold teeth in this Footlocker employees mouth, either he has a side job or Footlocker has phenomenal detal benefits.
←Rate | 02-25-2015 12:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Going in to talk to my financial advisor feels a lot like going in to talk to my middle school principal.
←Rate | 02-25-2015 12:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon i really need a blue sky 80 degree holliday !!!!
←Rate | 02-25-2015 14:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just finished running 3 miles on the treadmill!!!! Just kidding...I'm on my third cookie.
←Rate | 02-25-2015 15:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My husband confrimed my suspicions that he never wants to have sex again when he told me the house isn't clean enough.
←Rate | 02-25-2015 15:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can you beleive that some cultures still communicate with a series of clicks and primitive heirglyphs? *clicks furiously at keyboard* *adds 17 emojis*
←Rate | 02-25-2015 15:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Madonna just thanked everyone for their prayers on her CompuServe account.
←Rate | 02-26-2015 06:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The mind is everything my friends; what you think long enough... you eventually become.
←Rate | 02-26-2015 06:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I asked my wife for a blowjob, she told me she gave blowjobs up for lint. So I brought home my girlfriend.
←Rate | 02-26-2015 07:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Weed in DC? Oh that's really going to slow things down.... oh wait....never mind!
←Rate | 02-26-2015 08:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Damn it...... I've been eating Thin Mints like crazy and haven't lost a freakin pound?
←Rate | 02-26-2015 10:35 by sully Comments (1)  


   messageicon Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
←Rate | 02-26-2015 12:16 by Cory Comments (0)  


   messageicon No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
←Rate | 02-26-2015 12:34 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon one time I came home early and walked in on my dog pretending to be me. he was just lying on the floor sighing but I know it was me
←Rate | 02-26-2015 12:42 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kylie Jenner is 17 and just bought a house at $2.7 million and I have to think twice before adding guacamole at Chipotle
←Rate | 02-26-2015 12:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 69... Some might call it nasty... I call it a romantic dinner for 2
←Rate | 02-26-2015 13:07 by @1_Jack_Jacko Comments (0)  



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