Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   BREAKING NEWS: The Groundhog is wanted in 25 states stretching from the east coast!~

   At 7-11 and the cashier rings my bottle of water up and asked me if I would like a bag to go with that? I asked her if she had anything good? We laughed and laughed...

   Between Bruce Jenner and the Kardashians, they should all be court ordered to go to driving school.

   “Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop” to become a dev!l . Restraining order is on the way too.

   Birdman won the Oscar for Best Picture ... for some reason Kanye thought it should have gone to Beyonce

   Why do people write on dead peoples Facebook walls? I don't get it.

   "I got my cat fixed" "Is it a dog now?"

   I stole every word of this status from a dictionary.

   I bought a rug from IKEA that ended up being just a needle and 50 lbs. of thread.

   Its admirable that you want to be an organ donor, but there may be a less painful way of doing than driving in my blind spot.

   I'm so sorry for you loss. Is there anything I can do for you from my phone?

   PLOT TWIST: You snooze.... You win! Because naps are freaking awesome.

   *Batteries die in TV remote for first time in 6 years* "Useless piece of crap"

   Step ladders are just like regular ladders except they don't love you as much.

   If you could be any kind of salad you want, what kind of bacon cheeseburger would you be?

   Parenting is all about compromise. For example, I just compromised the contents of my stomach trying to eat this god aweful breakfast in bed they just made me.

   - What should we name this creature with big feet? "Bigfoot". - And what about this tiger with saber teeth? "Saber tooth tiger". - How about this beaver duck? "Platypus"

   I wonder if God watches Maurry and thinks about who he's going to tell to build the next ark?

   I named my left nipple Marlon Waynes because its got a slightly lighter complexion but its still impossible to difference between the two in pictures.

   You're in your 20's... you don't have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying".