Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant in 2015.

   I'm liberal but not Drive a Prius with a Coexist Bumper Sticker liberal.

   All I wanted for Xmas was for the pirate bay website to come back. Is that too much to ask?

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   U were great when you stood for Freedom. now, you steal others Freedoms. Most effed up

   If you tell a cop "I can't breathe" he knows you're lying because if you couldn't breathe you couldn't talk.

   The best moments of my life when I was at my happiest, you will not find pictures of them on social media because I was too engrossed in the moment to think about taking a selfie of it.

   On a scale of Gary Busey to Charlie Sheen, I'm David Hasselhoff drunk right now.

   I'm a Mexican but not a "I own a metro phone Mexican."

   Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

   If you or someone you know is expecting and would like me to deliver the baby, please message me the date and location please and thank you. #bucketlist

   "What's a good kind of medicine to take for my health?" "I'm not sure. Hey there's Larry the Cable Guy driving a jet ski onto land. Let's ask him."

   I'm a Mexican but not a "I'm driving around the city with out car insurance" Mexican..

   I love the way my abs look... in the morning... when I suck in my stomach... and turn to the side... while squinting... and the lights are turned off.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   Now that I failed with this year's New Year's resolutions I can get on with the rest of it guilt free.

   No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window

   May the pillow be cooler on the other side ...RIP Stuart Scott

   She lost me at, "I don't watch football."