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My anaconda really doesn't care if you got buns or not. 
Only 309 days until Halloween!!
What, you have a gravy boat!! Where is this gravy river you speak of?
If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
I didn't have any girl to spoil for Christmas this year so my bank balance is looking healthy.
It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...
Almost time for " the new year new me bull$hit"
"OMG that guy is dead!! No wait, he's okay..." - My wife's first time watching professional soccer
[wife yelling at me as I wash dishes] "keith I'm fkn sick of you pretending to be a doctor" [turns tap off using my elbow] what do you mean?
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Justin Bieber Got a Freaking Jet for Christmas proving that there is no God or justice in this world we live in.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
The Christmas Day hacking of Playstation Network and Xbox Live forced gamers offline and kids to sit with their families for Christmas instead of locking themselves in their rooms. This had girlfriends, wives, and mothers whispering, "It's a Christmas Mi
An atheist, vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes....
it required for you to have your own TV show if you live in Alaska?
Now that Christmas shopping and madness is over, I'm expecting applications for potential girlfriends...
The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.
The house from Home Alone is up for sale for 2.5 million dollars. F*ck that, the area's full of burglars.
News: "3 Cliff Walkers Fall to Their Death" Wow, what were the chances of them all having the same name?
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