Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That's really not necessary

   90% of socializing is wondering what to do with your hands when out in public.

   Relationship Status: Intercepting blown kisses.

   Just to annoy my therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does needing therapy after seeing me make you feel?"

   Sorry about all the jokes I've made that you didn't like. If it's any consolation,, they were free & someday I'll die......

   Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won't be the worst reason we ever went to war.

   The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

   Michael Brown lived a thug life and died a thug death. Let it go.

   Been coughing all night & day, can't seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.

   Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was two sizes too small" ~ Mrs Grinch.

   IS has executed 100 foreigners trying to quit. Terrorists check in, but they don't check out.

   A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.

   What separates humans from the animals? The Mediterranean.

   Man walks into his therapist office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. Therapist say " I can clearly see your nuts"

   You can lead a horse to water but you can't lead a horticulture!

   You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.

   Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor's recycling bins. So the garbage men don't think it's just me.

   I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

   Fly Eagles fly. To your offseason vacations and free agents meeting with other teams. Since you don't have playoffs to worry about.