Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My brain must think sleep= death... every time I try to fall asleep, my life flashes before my eyes. Well, the embarrassing bits, anyways.

   Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

   Time magazine has named “Ebola Fighters” the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, "Oh no, we'll just mail them to you."

   "Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her"; you mean she's a booty for me now?!

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors

   "Boy that Steve Buscemi is one fine looking fella" said no one ever

   I just read an article that Black Friday in Ferguson was a smash hit....

   My ex-wife never cleaned anything but my bank account.

   Don't even bother asking the car dealer how many dead bodies can fit in the trunk. He won't take you serious. Just crawl in & check it out.

   If you cry all the time, you will save money on a tear drop tattoo.

   hello there, the angel from my nightmare.

   I spiked the milkshake. No one's leaving my yard.

   A woman will type "I'm fine" while she is crying.

   If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.

   Orange juice with pulp? What is this, Fear Factor?

   "Welcome to Turkey Club"... "first rule of Turkey Club is toast all three slices of bread, that way it doesn't get soggy and holds the mayo better"

   *Hospital front desk... "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"... *wife hits me.. "Baby delivery,, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"

   It puts the lotion in the basket... It puts the body wash in the basket... It puts the face scrub in the basket... *This gift basket is going well.

   Someone should tell Disney that a "true love's kiss" has WAAAAY more tongue.

   FYI: You better check your elf,, before it wrecks your shelf