Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   ignore me and watch how fast you get cut off and stop existing to me.

   How much for the soul mate? Sir, that's a bottle of Vodka.

   Sorry I strangled you when I tried to untangle the Christmas lights.

   destroying myself to fix you

   I had Foo Fighters as Time Magazine's Person of the Year. So close...

   Ever notice how the word "bed" looks like a bed?

   There's no I in TEAM but if you rearrange the letters you can spell MEAT and EAT M. See, I can turn anything you say into something dirty

   I don't know why people are so afraid of clowns. They're just murderers with make-up and a horn.

   Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."

   Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl's whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.

   the day I stop drinking is the day johny walker stop walking

   Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.

   Sorry I'm late my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here

   [wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things I asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy

   Got tasered at speed dating again.

   Look who's here! Psst.....hide the liquor.

   Throwback Thursday - A day to go fishing and not keep anything,

   I hate being called a heavy drinker so I'm going to start eating less and lose a few pounds.

   George Lucas claims to have not seen the new Star Wars trailer. How many of us wish we could say that about the Phantom Menace?

   I'm the avocado of people. While you wait and wait for me to mature enough to be enjoyable, I sneakily transition into a disgusting mess.