Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can pee all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

   When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.

   I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

   I don't know why they need a whole month, they get the busiest Friday of the year

   Only a desperate behind the times can believe in polygamy.

   Celebrating "Thank-The-Lord-That-Stupid-Brown-Thursday-Black-Friday-Cyber-Monday-Marketing-Crap-Is-Over" Tuesday.

   Want to have some fun with your kids? Next time you're driving with them and you see a dead Deer on the side of the road say "Uh oh! Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   this trend that all girls hates the word moist is getting old.

   Taylor Swifts "Shake it Off" is about what her lovers did when they realized she was bad in bed.

   I didn't come here to make friends. I go to the cat shelter for that.

   Doctor says I'm morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.

   If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you're doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.

   Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.

   Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.

   This might be the cocaine talking but babysitting your two kids tonight was the best experience of my life.

   on a first date I like to make women feel at ease by loudly and clearly proclaiming "I had nothing to do with Columbine" early on

   [in ambulance] "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" Yes it was like an angry rope

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts

   "I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"

   Fool the kids into thinking this will be the best Christmas ever by circling all the expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue