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Last week my best friend who was Chinese died. I went to China to attend the funeral and pay my respects. When people close to you die, it's weird how you see their face everywhere you look. 
My life is just one long improvisation.
I went down on my girl for the first time ever today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I went down on her again.
If I had a dollar for every time my world was rocked... Hey can I borrow 5 bucks?
Memo to self: A Home DNA Testing kit is not a good shower gift.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I'd be doing a ton of spontaneous s3xual favors for random strangers.
When I was in high school a selfie meant a locked bathroom and a box of kleenex
Bill Cosby tried to rape my cat about 50 years ago, I just remembered.
Ugly ass kids should not be trusted to be left alone with their cute newborn brother or sister with potential. Jealous knows no age.
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
One thing we can be sure of is Adam was not a doctor. Otherwise, the apple would have kept him away.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Horror-Scope: Congratulations, you're one day closer to death.
It's the Holiday Season; clean your own spunk off her back.
This Taco Bell breakfast taste like I don't get paid till Friday.
If you show up at my party with an acoustic guitar, that thing better be filled with onion dip.
Giving me a Christmas ornament as a Christmas gift is like bringing vitamins to my funeral.
Started my post-Thanksgiving cleanse and I just coughed up several feathers and a pecan pie.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don't even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
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