Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dr: I need a urine and stool sample. Me: *hands him my underwear* Dr:...... Me: Its all there.

   I've spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can't find his nuggets.

   Your honor, let the record show the defendant's eyebrows are drawn on.

   There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.

   British Metallica: Master Of Crumpets.

   I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.

   I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...

   Yesterday yet another person jumped the White House fence. It happened again. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama is finally getting more Americans to exercise.

   There goes Honey Boo Boo. America's collective IQ just rose by .00124%.

   Jehovah's Witnesses should preach on Halloween night, people might actually answer the door.

   Here's a tip for you travellers, when Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me comes on your ipod in the airport, DON'T sing along. I spent 12 hours explaining that I was just singing the lyrics "Love me like a bomb, b...b...b..bomb"

   i wish fake was a color so I could paint you properly...

   Life Observation: No matter where I live, my neighborhood has NEVER been even remotely the first stop on the mailman's post route.

   Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.

   Oh you think you have it bad? In my day you didn't see the other persons genitals until after you actually met them.

   Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I'm just kidding there's no pizza.

   Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

   Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

   A sandwich should be grilled until inside is warm & bread starts to crisp. Not until inside is nuclear & bread becomes a turtle shell.