Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Nothing says "I've already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.

   Why can't the ice cream man just get a fu*kin liquor license already

   You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night

   I always walk around with a megaphone. If Facebook breaks I need to be able to tell everyone that I've had dinner.

   My daughter has just taken two black guys up to her bedroom to study together. From the sounds of it they're getting every revision question right.

   I've finally tried Turkish Delight...it was good, but not "betray my family to the White Witch" good....

   spoon + fork = spork whisk + knife = wife ....they can stir things up & kill you

   One, two Freddys coming for you. Three, four better lock your door. Five, six grab your crucifix. Seven, eight gonna stay up late. Nine, ten, never sleep again...

   As of today, Starbucks will allow their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them...

   I'm so looking forward to Halloween! Wonder if I'll see any costumes as scary as Renee Zellweger's new face...

   A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

   Here's how the new mobile payment system works. If you so much as even glance at an Apple product, Apple Pay automatically deducts the full amount from your checking account...

   Super creepy Rob Lowe and I are going to kick Rob Lowes ass

   Do not bother me with stupid $h!t. What is stupid $h!t? It is anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   Shots fired in Canada? How is that possible? Guns are illegal there.

   If you have no love to be thankful for, at least be thankful for all those bullets you dodged.

   I only lower the bar so it's easier to reach my drink.

   You had me at gunpoint.

   My mom just asked me to get her lotion from her bathroom drawer. I don't know what I saw. I don't care what I saw. This is my suicide note.

   hey terrorists, leave the Canadians alone. Pick on someone of your own size.