Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm giving out ex-lax with ghosts on them for Halloween,,, so it comes back to haunt them.

   FYI: Apple's app store had an app called "I Am Rich." It cost $999.99, did absolutely nothing, and 8 people bought it.

   I saw this big guy in brand new Nikes running down the road with a huge TV in his arms. I thought briefly, "That looks like mine." Then I realized, mine wears adidas.

   well Notre Dame fans...In about a year FSU will have to vacate this victory so you have that to look forward to

   If I have to text you first every time we talk, then I'm just goign to drop and block you!

   If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

   I maybe heaven sent but I can also bring hell

   I never lose sleep over my enemies its my friends that keep me awake.

   You dating 3 people and you say you are in a relationship!!! Lol nah you are in a group activity.

   Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.

   What doesn't kill you, adapts to make sure it kills you the next time.

   Every time you open a bottle of beer, an angel gets it's wings.

   The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn't done anything wrong

   "This is where the magic happens" ~Me on a first date to a magic show

   *Shows up to salsa lessons with Tostitos* Haha what the heck are you idiots doing

   How does a black chick tell if she's pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out, all the cotton is already picked.

   The Like button. Also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything

   Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

   I will cause a 12-car pileup before I let you last-minute merge.

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.