Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"

   If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants,,, expect A LOT of text messages

   Three words to ruin a woman's ego. "I can't tell."

   Don't ever mistake me for someone who hasn't flirted with danger. I've got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

   Why would anyone make babies when they can make nachos?

   Whenever I see a tweet written in arabic or something I star and retweet it just for fun. Now the FBI wants to talk to me.

   You could have just said you weren't having sex, you didn't have to wear crocs.

   The over spray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.

   We're taught from a young age that we need to work hard to achieve success, riches, or fame in life. Then we grow up to see sh****gs like Snooki, the Situation and the Kardashians. You know... People who have never done anything!

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture :)

   Wife: do these jeans make me look fat? Husband: nope it's not the jeans

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

   You can tell it's fall. I look like I'm searching for landmines when I'm looking for dog crap in my back yard under the leaves.......but alas, I found one with my shoe!!!!

   IS + Ebola = Problem Solved

   I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.

   I think the CDC Director needs to resign and let Dr. House save us all from Ebola.....

   Texting wasn't always easy, in my day you had to work for it...You had to want it...You need an S? You better click that 7 button four times

   Guys, when you say "you graduated from the school of hard knocks", we hear "dumb and poor..."

   Making a list of people I want to visit after catching Ebola.

   Last night I wore a Mickey Mouse costume to Chuck E. Cheese and angrily accused him of having an affair with Minnie until I was forcibly removed & arrested.