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Dear Santa, the cookies are real,, NOT gluten free, and there's normal mink,, NOT soy milk,,,, so you don't sh *t all over our chimney like last year 
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can't made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
What has 32 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk??? MY ZIPPER!!!!
the Washington redskins should change their name to the foreskins, they could wear purple helmets
I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you're about to say.
No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak Walmart.
A doctor told me to smoke weed everyday. His name is Dr Dre
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake sh it.
We get it, media. Ben Affleck and Bill Mahr argued over Islam. Isn't there some real news to report??
Oh, I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink', I say, 'So shall I
Guy ahead of me at the ATM left his receipt and my balance is higher, so yeah, today is a good day after all!!
Anyone know where I can get a medic alert bracelet for "does not make small talk?"
You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those
I hate it when I accidentally fill up on crayons before my food comes out
When you're at work,,, tell someone that has OCD that you drove past their house, and it looked like a light was on... *Sit back and watch.
If Ebola broke out in Vegas, would it stay in Vegas?
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
My girl an I play this game called "hide the alcohol from the alcoholic".. right now she's losing
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. I only have 13 more to go!
it cheating if I put pictures of my food on another website? was just wondering...
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