Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   *Shows up late for first day of new job... *Blames it on rush hour...*Shows up late for second day of new job... *Blames it on Rush Hour 2

   My eHarmony account just keeps matching me with different types of cookies.

   If I quote The Princess Bride and you don't get the reference, you are dead to me... And not just mostly dead.

   For one to describe oneself as monosyllabic would be an oxymoron.

   Chelsea Clinton gives birth to a daughter.......I hope Bill doesn't pass out any of his own cigars......

   KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN BOOED AT PARIS FASHION WEEK - my week keeps getting better.

   Turned up at the golf and everyone is wearing apple bottom jeans, and boots with the fur. I'm at the Flo Ryder Cup by mistake.

   We Canadians are known for being polite. We're not. We just assume every American has a gun and will shoot us. That's why we're nice.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets?

   diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, a fat less attractive girl is.

   My coffee was so bitter this morning you'd think I had divorced it.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   Listens to coloring books on tape.

   Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had been changed. I Looked at the dog.. He looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

   Grocery Budget Tip: If you don't buy food,, you don't need toilet paper....

   Went to Walmart today. They accepted me as one of their own.... *cough-cough* go on without me... Save yourselves.

   I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

   I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.