Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.

   I know they say cell phones have more germs then toilets,,,,,, But I'm just not tasting that much of a difference

   Million dollar idea: Vasectomy booth at Disney World exit.

   When I want to break up with a person, I wait until they're sitting in my car, then I press the button that disables the passenger air bag.

   WebMD says this thing on my back is called a Wife, and, left untreated, it is usually fatal.

   Am I the only one sad that Nick Cannon and his Mom are breaking up?

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   *buys 3D printer,,,,,, still can't make friends*

   I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.

   I hate it when a couple starts kissing in front of you, and because you don't know what to do, you just join in with the kissing

   My small-town police dept has 2 armored vehicles and a grenade launcher just in case someone forgets to pay for their Caramel Macchiato.

   Ladies always think I'm staring at them because I think they're hot. That's not true. I'm staring at them because I'm creepy.

   My Wife woke me up at 3:00AM for some fun. So here I am at CVS buying batteries.

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   I impress people by referring to my friends or followers as my "entourage" and my status updates as my "portfolio". In return, people refer to me as a "d*ck".

   If I hit my breaks hard, automatically let the hazard lights go off! - future car makers!!

   No means no, except through duct tape. It sounds a lot like yes.

   Ok, I'm finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

   There's already four people camped out in NYC waiting for the new iPhone, in case you weren't sure why the terrorists hate us.

   I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds