Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   And that attracts men who like a woman who doesn't spit. . .

   The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing us that there is soul mate out there for all of us. What if your soulmate existed at a different timeline, and you missed each other by 2 centuries?

   "Second coat my ass! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.

   I said to the nurse "You're such a nice person. Will you come visit me when I'm out of the hospital?" She said "Well, I would except graveyards are such creepy places." FML.

   YOLO. Because stupid people don't know what Carpe Diem means.

   If I'm ever on life support and just being kept alive machines, please unplug me and plug me back in. Basically, reboot my body.

   Curling irons come with a warning label saying "For external use only." OK, now which of you sick women made that necessary?

   If I'm ever in a coma, please don't try to wake me. I'm doing what I love.

   I have never in my life seen a Tattoo and said "wow, that looks classy" All a tattoo is, is a "LOOK AT ME" statement

   If a woman doesn't like a man using a coupon on the first date, she should offer to pay.

   If it's called Labor Day,why don't we work on labor day and have the rest of the year off?

   I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

   If you think your job stinks, how would you like to be a member of the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashians 24/7.

   It's only a matter of time before "Security Cameras of Wal-mart" becomes a reality show.

   If you think your job stinks, think about the kid that cleans the bathroom at Taco Bell

   Come on ‪#‎Chevy‬ just one commercial break without Kid Rock

   If I drove a UPS truck there's a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes" ?

   I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.

   Kids, if you "can't afford tuition" because the payment on your new car is so much, you're doing it wrong...