Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   *calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you're not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*

   Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.

   People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

   Look kiddo, you're 7 now. Daddy's Gin & Tonic needs to be mixed a lot better than that. Rules are rules. Standard def TV only this weekend.

   Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.

   If there's no chance it can give me a heart attack then I'm not interested in eating it.

   I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same

   Coming to Facebook for religion is like visiting a strip club to find a woman to marry. Wrong place.

   Poor planning on your part does not make it is an emergency on my part.

   You had me at "Do Not Resuscitate"

   I nominate Clint Eastwood,to the Franklin Mo. challence,to go straighten this whole mess out and restore law and order.You have 24 hours...good lu

   When the Redskins change their name it is my hope the cowboys from Wyoming, Montana and the Dakotas make sure Jerry Jones changes the name of his team so Cowboys won't be portrayed as PUSSIES.

   Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers.

   My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don't know yet though she's still in bed

   Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!!!

   I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge. Sincerely, The Titanic

   A gaggle of geese... A murder of crows... A nope of laundry.

   The news always showing pictures of these thugs when they were little kids is like a girl who has a profile picture when she was a hundred pounds lighter.

   A family reunion with NO alcholol? What is the point?

   @nbcagt: "I once got trapped on an escalator when the power went out and I was scared for my life!"