Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the fat kid always plays catcher.

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the Chief or Police is always bl@ck.

   Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $700,000 EVERY DAY! That’s $29,166 per hour. That’s $486 every minute. That’s $8.10 every second. WHY DO WE KEEP MAKING IDIOTS RICH & FAMOUS? WHY OH WHY LORD?

   I have witnessed some of the greatest friendships forged over a blunt and I have also witnessed some of the fakest friendships forged over a bible.

   "Aggrevation", "Sorry", "Trouble", "Outburst". I think Hasboro knows my relationships.

   Kendall Jenner bought her own apartment for $1.4 million and I'm out here struggling to buy a Naked juice for $3

   Mind if I ride in your midlife crisis?

   Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

   Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

   'Rough day. Better make it a double.' - me at the cat shelter.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will be far away from me with your bullsh*t.

   Explain the rise and fall of the Roman empire. Use both sides of paper if necessary.

   The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who's kid this is.

   why do blind people smile?

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

   I dream of a universe where world leaders rush to comment on entertainment news as quickly as entertainers rush to comment on world affairs.

   If news about a movie being made upsets you, why not work out your anger by getting out your oils and painting a masterpiece.

   if I hang bat stuff all over my "man cave", will I have a "bat man cave"? .....Alfred, get me a drink