Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I would totally sell your soul for a cup of coffee right now.

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they both might be alive today.

   John Kerry criticised massacres committed by Israel privately; but, publicly he was a fraidy-cat because without Israel's support there would be no win in election you know!

   What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were still alive? Scratching on the inside of her coffin lid.

   you’re a grown man who gets erections. what business do you have saying sh*t like “it’s my birthday month”?

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension.

   How to get along with your spouse: Don't have one.

   Relax, everyone.....The government that couldn't get a website to work has got this Ebola thing. Don't worry!!

   1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave

   "I don't know what youre talking about, he's nice to me" - somebody in the eraly 1940s Germany, talking about Hitler.

   maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.

   You can always tell how wealthy a black dude is by how much white he wears

   How much for the love drug? Sir, that's chloroform

   I like people the most when I'm by myself.

   You call it “binge drinking” I call it “making up for lost time when I could have been drinking” drinking.

   Some of my strongest friendships started with a blunt

   Honey, I did the cutest thing while you were at work. I renamed "My Documents" folder on your computer to "Our Documents"

   Justin Bieber Bragged That Miranda Kerr "Made Him a Man," Didn't know Miranda Kerr is a doctor specializing in pen*s transplantation.

   I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   However lonely you feel, you’re never alone… There are literally millions of bugs, mites, and bacteria living in your house.