Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   What you call "camping", I call "aggresive waiting".

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.

   I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.

   Facebook in 2014 is a few people screaming from a mostly empty stage who don't realize that everyone in the audience has gone home.

   I need to work on my texting. I text a girl C- U- N- T....... I meant..." see you next Thursday" and now she is not speaking to me.

   [Mother-in-law visiting] -May I use your restroom? -Down the hall first door on the right -That's the front door -You may use the yard

   Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.

   Judge, I'm sorry I attacked that woman but I was wearing cheetah print & she had on a zebra shirt & Mother Nature just took over from there.

   Watching p0rn and the woman actually said "i love you" in the heat of the moment & its the most disgusting thing i've heard in a p0rn ever.

   How much for the sluts? Sir, that's a package of socks

   "I'm not afraid of women any longer" - My Tombstone

   Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

   I'm pretty sure that the devil on my shoulder secretly roofied the angel.

   My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

   I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

   I don't know why they don't just call iPhone chargers Apple Juice

   Kardashians are like door handles, every one gets a turn.

   "Waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?" "Uh, the backstroke, Sir."

   I have a six pack and a gut so the ladies get the best of both worlds