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My parents walking in on me & my wife having sex was bad enough without the high five from Dad, or Mom telling me to "put my hips into it". 
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me gay I'd be able to afford front row tickets to the Cher concert.
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I'm just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Sex so good she wakes up from her coma
"No, officer - this is medicinal roadhead."
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
I can't believe people still get divorced, it's like they don't even know Wiz Khalifa relationship advice accounts exist.
I Have No Idea What's Going On: A Guide to Dating
"Can I have a cake please?" "Oh what's the special occasion?" "I'm fat"
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
what idiot called them pregnant women and not bodybuilders
When Mike Tyson says “Bithneth”…… You know he really means business.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
A pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel hanging off his belt buckle. The bartender asks "What's up with the steering wheel?" The pirate says "Arrgh. It's drivin' me nuts."
A guy goes into the doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "Can I help you?" The duck says "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"
Happy Canada Day! Time to get drunk eh?!?!
Fart along if you feel like you really gotta poop, because I'm gassy. Pharell Williams looking for a toilet.
According to his wife, Rolf Harris has been painting since the day of his arrest - his cell is going to look lovely! Hope you rot in hell Rolf...
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