Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving. It's all about perspective.

   A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don't worry, another study says you're just being paranoid.

   In honor of the 25th anniversary of Tim Burton's Batman, a gentle reminder that his batmobile required a grappling hook to make a left turn.

   Just watched Kill Bill volume 1, couldn't hear a thing.

   How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong

   "Describe yourself in three words" "Lazy"

   No women in their soccer team. Typical Iran.

   So Ronaldo & Friends, sorry I mean Portugal got knocked out of the world cup last night.

   If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.

   The only thing that puts me off gym is the fear of becoming too buff.

   be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

   SILF - Sorry Liver Its Friday

   Fact: Men that drink wine coolers increase their chances of getting a yeast infection by 99.9999%.

   DATING TIP: Date me

   If someone invites you hunting don't ever fall for the" put on this antler hat. It will attract deer."

   People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...

   Now that they found this missing boy in the basement of his own home, I have to ask: Has anyone recently checked the tarmac for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370?

   The stain in the front of women's panties is called "clitty litter."

   The mile high club is bullsh*t unless you're both anorexic!!

   I ask, "when are you due" with impunity because fat chicks can't run very fast, anyway.