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Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat........ 
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
I got to work late this morning so I have to leave early to make up for it.
" How much for that bouncy castle " Sir that's a woman
I wish I loved anything as much as women love telling other women "that's perfectly normal" without any medical training whatsoever.
I will be a functioning member of society today -calls in sick
Yoga pants should be regulated. Excuse me ma'am, license and registration please
My thigh gap brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "standing with your feet 5 feet apart isn't a thigh gap."
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.
How much for the vacation home? Sir, this is a coffin.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament....
America. Even when we lose, we still win..... USA!!
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore I was wearing one but I was still shot by the woman's husband
Here's a little pro tip for ya, it doesn't have to be your birthday to buy a birthday cake. They'll just sell it to you no questions asked.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek
Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office
relationship status: LOL
Once you see Pharrell’s hat you understand how he’d be happy in a room without a roof.
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