Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "You make me a better person" - Me talking to my beer!

   Sometimes I wish I could tame a high-level frost dragon and keep him as a pet. Other times I wish I had a girlfriend.

   I'm not mature enough to be in a yoga class.

   i'll make better mistakes tomorrow

   I think, therefore I drink.

   Diamonds are not a girls best friend, it's anything that vibrates.

   I am a very very very bad influence In a good way.

   Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.

   Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party

   I thought 'Pokemon' was a Jamaican P0rn... My bad...

   If she spits on the hotdog before she eats the hotdog, she's a keeper.

   Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean

   Sure, soccer is the worst thing ever but at least when some smug idiot tries to tell you "it's football" you can punch him without remorse.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: No Sir. I thought sure you would know.

   Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.

   *cooking omelette for wife..... Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”...Wife: “Sure baby”... * Slowly turns up Nickleback cd...

   My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

   Merry Half-Christmas! Enjoy the holiday, everyone.....

   Do you even realize I have zeros and zeros of women lining up to get with this?