Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Fire Brad Ausmus, it's never ok to joke about beating women

   im feeling so empty.. (after pooping)

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; for your sake, I hope the beholder is blind.

   Any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"

   I don't even think the fat lady knows how to sing

   If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tounges and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in messages, it would be creepy as hell.

   When I have a tough decision, I ask myself... "What would Jesus do?" Then, I remember how things turned out for him... And, flip a coin.

   I forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom. I think that counts as camping.

   it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat's just being dramatic.

   I just tried drowning a spider with my Rockstar energy drink and now he's wearing a neon green tank top and bench pressing my remote.

   Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

   My favorite Steven Seagull movie is Executive Decision because he dies in the first 15 minutes.

   When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"

   Life insurance? Why? So my wife's new boyfriend can get a trampoline?

   ME: "Waiter, I'd like to send this back" WAITER: "Sir, I believe that's your wife."

   Instead of judging people on their past, judge them on the awful decisions they make today.

   A car full of sluts is called a fish tank

   Coworker: I don't appreciate how you... Me: Let me stop you right there, I don't give a sh*t what you appreciate.

   For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

   Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.