Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you re-arrange the letters in "ugh" you get "hug". This is as good as it gets until the weed gets here people.

   Young lady, I'm old enough to be your dad's creepy high school friend with a pony tail who never married and works at the skating rink.

   There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a pub.

   How long has it been since you were not fat? - a question you can not ask a job candidate, apparently

   My wife thinks I've been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

   What do we want? A CURE FOR PARANOIA When do we want it? WHO WANTS TO KNOW

   I paid $12.50 for movie tickets. Forget that the people are noisy, the popcorn and drinks are overpriced, and the movie itself stinks....I wanna know why there was no cartoon.

   the pope is in Israel with a sheikh and a rabbi. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

   Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? The brave fallen solders of WWII fought so hard to defeat the Nazi’s so we can have the freedom to change the channel.

   If you make minimum wage and demand $15/hour, you are greatly overestimating your importance to an organization.

   reminding yourself you haven't got any kids is the best news ever...

   All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.

   Sighing heavily all day long counts as cardio, right?

   People without a college degree: A piece of paper don’t mean jack$hit. People with a college degree: Hey you, get back to work.

   If I could only bottle this feeling I'm feeling right now, then the world would be able to experience my slightly annoyed indifference!

   Bet you didn't know that before leaving the factory every Tickle Me Elmo doll receives two test tickles.

   Craving margaritas is an emotion, right?

   I tested positive for Facebook.

   Fellas; There is no need to have a Facebook war. There are enough women to go around on Facebook for you to have a fake relationship with.

   My favourite yoga position is your legs on my shoulders.