Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Young man, does your mother know you ask girls for nudes on social media?

   Jesus take the wheel I'm taking a selfie.

   I was so ugly as a child that the local pedophile used to eat his own candy.

   Nothing has ever bothered me more than when a math question ended with “how many people does it take?” and your answer had a fraction.

   *introduces girlfriend to dad* “what are your intentions with my son? I hope you don’t want to turn his shirts into pyjamas then leave him”

   Beat it. Beat it. No one wants to be defeated. Shongda hupfucky. Homga shuntvight. It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right.

   take the d out of a bandana and you get a banana but if you put the d in a banana you get asked to leave the supermarket

   Living life with the safety off.

   I renamed my Ancestry.com file folder to Edit DNA to mess with archaeologists in the future...

   “I don't judge you because your opinion differs from mine. I judge you because your opinion is imbecilic.” Yours or mine?!

   “GM’s alive and bin Laden’s dead” Wait a minute……

   You will unlikely ever be the oldest person on the planet, but for a brief moment you held the record for the youngest.

   Kimye.......................In other news there is still a plane missing folks!!

   People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.

   Call me traditional, but marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone & a man who finally caves after years of her pressure.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

   Oscar Wilde's last words were, "Either that wallpaper goes or I go."

   Got my Soap & Shampoo and am patiently awaiting the meteor shower.

   Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can't think of a good reply"?

   I don't blame you. I would spank me too.