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I just found out c.ock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted. 
My worst fear is meeting my match.
Brush your teeth before you complain.
Me: Siri, explain women. Siri: sorryyy I'm hdgjbj malfunctioning jdji?!!%&%$###?! *EXPLODES*
A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.
I'm the life of the party after I pass out.
A bunch of empty beer cans is called calling in sick tomorrow.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, ‘what do you have to tell me?’ he said, ‘I don’t know, never made it this far
The new “Godzilla” movie opened worldwide yesterday. They say New York City could survive a Godzilla attack. Seriously? It takes five cops to handle Alec Baldwin when he's riding his bike the wrong way
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pri.ck
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your debit card pin.
Why doesn't anybody like me? Asking for a friend.
My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.
Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
Why are the people who are always demanding respect the ones who least deserve it?
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