Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   To this day, the girl who used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, she makes great Subway sandwiches

   When I see a fender bender in traffic, I like to run over and cover myself with a bloody sheet and lay beside the road just to give the passing traiffic a show.

   Jameis Winston did NOT steal those crab legs intentionally. He is so into football, that he felt sorry for the shellfish, and merely thought he would do the right thing by putting them on injured reserve.

   The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.

   The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You're failing now. You're not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found

   Whenever I think I've come up with something very twisted, and I'm a horrible person for it, I simply remember that some nut in South America named the largest body of water there Lake Titicaca.

   Daughter: Mama, can a girl get pregnant from @n@l s3x? Mother: Why sure, Honey. Where do you think lawyers come from?

   If I had a time machine rest assured I would do what's right: I would make sure the video for Buffalo Stance by Nenah Cherry never happened.

   Now, I’m no expert on crack heads, but shouldn’t Rob Ford only have one chin?

   Still don't understand why you can't end a company-wide email with, 'Later b*tches.'

   Oprah wants to buy the LA Clippers? The only dribbling she knows are the ones she gets on the corner of her mouth when she sees red velvet cheesecake.

   My wife isn't a Buffalo Bills fan... but she sure loves choking if ya know what I mean ;)

   Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.

   I never understand why kids just start crying out of the blue. What’s up? You remember you can’t wipe your ass? Or mad you can’t eat steak?

   My son just said he doesn't like bacon and now I have to kill the mailman

   I'd do anything for love... except get married.

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.

   If you're in a relationship and all you do is cry everyday, you need to stop and ask yourself: "Am I dating a HUMAN or an ONION?"😂😜

   the ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, the salami is hatching from its own egg. why did we even come to the salvidor deli