Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm sorry, I thought we were at the swimsuit competition part of this job interview. Please hand me my towel.

   No Jamies Winston, FSU does NOT stand for Free Seafood University

   When faced with two choices simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.

   You know what’s more annoying than worrying about a cop pulling you over? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life prolonging my childhood.

   I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...

   I hate it when chicks wear pink camo.I'm like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?

   Okla. killer dies after botched execution. How long did it take his victim to die after being shot and buried alive?

   I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with you

   So they will not be changing the name to the LA cotton clippers? Shooo! That was close. That could have turned alot of shirts inside out.

   Moral compass? Is there an app for that?

   Being straight means sexualizing some unusual inanimate objects, particularly beer bubbles and mops.

   Your yoga pants just say OUTSTRETCHED.

   Jameis Winston will appear on the covers of both EA Sports "NCAA Football '14" AND "Grand Theft Crustacean."

   I think I'm going to change my kids' middle names to "DANGER" just so they can tell people Danger is their middle name...YEAH BABY!!

   Just made a batch of my super spicy 3 jalapeno chili. MILF! And by MILF I mean Man I Love to Fart!!

   Difficult to call it a "botched execution" unless he suffered longer than his victim.

   I'm really sorry that I haven't been around for the past few days. I've been out collecting money to buy a basketball team. So far, I've got $47.62 in checks, $2.50 in change, an IOU for $5, a Canadian penny and a button. I'm getting really excited

   "It was consensual, the crab legs wanted to be stolen"~~Jamies Winston's attorney...

   Pro death penalty - If you don't value other people's lives, why the hell should they value yours?