Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Did you hear about the joke that EJ Manuel told his receivers? It went over their heads.

   What did Michael Jackson have in common with the Chicago Cubs? He wore a single glove on his left hand, but it served no real purpose.

   I only have two questions for my next girlfriend. 1. Do you want to marry me? 2. Why not?

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.

   I'm drunk and I've got work tomorrow, but on the plus side. I'm having a great conversation with my dog

   My ass cheeks are so tight, when I fart only my dog can hear it.

   My 3year old just swallowed some quarters and pennies. He seems ok now, I'll let you know if I see any change

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

   Ladies;if a guy invites you to his place and u're like..."hope we not fucking" there's a Special place for you in hell

   Funny thing I just heard my computer call out to it's father......"Data"

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… Like you ate a pinecone every single day.

   Seeing your kid at work today really put all your other mistakes into perspective.

   I'm not entirely sure a life spent smoking e-cigarettes is worth prolonging.

   Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.

   RIP to all those men who needlessly died at Gallipoli so that the corporations could benefit from another war.

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep while driving.

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.

   Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus

   Feeling and thinking are directly proportional to each other and inseparable.