Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.

   I wonder if anyone at the snack food companies who label their products, "Cheddar Cheese" flavored, have actually ever tasted cheddar cheese.

   Easter candy on sale. Welcome back 10 pounds.

   Fate has it's tricky ways of throwing something in front of you that you never expected.

   Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!

   If you wear camo gear and you're not in the woods I'm just going to assume you're hunting dignity.

   Sorry I punched you in the throat, but you looked like you were going to say something.

   What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

   Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

   Wrigley Field... this joke speaks for itself.

   "The world is full of nice people. If you can't find one, be one!"

   Sometimes I just want the UFC commentator to be like "Personally, I think he's trying to f cuk him...but I'm no expert, Joe."

   After random power outages happened throughout the city due to maintanence, thousands of city residents lined up to pay overdue electricity bills....well played Houston....well played

   To women over 40, a guy with a belly and a sense of humor is a great catch. A guy who's buff is considered a narcissist and a pole-smoker.

   Civilian justice: just saw a beautiful female cop make an illegal lane change, so I pulled her over and threw her in my dungeon.

   I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

   Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.

   I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...