Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.

   My reaction to the royals William and Kate visiting Australia is the same reaction I had to their kid being born. I couldn't give a f you c k!!

   Kanye West is being sued by a woman who claims to have given birth to his love child. Kanye took it all in stride, however, since he has a history of being in "arrears" with other women

   Why Do Women Wear Floral panties? In Loving Memory Of All The Faces That Have Been Buried Down There.

   I think Netflix would work great as a college dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who also watched Pokemon for 12 hours straight"

   What insensitive jerk called it a "lisp" and not a "lithp"?

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least that's what this restraining order says.

   Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

   Earth Day sounds like birthday, and that just makes me want cake. So thanks for making me fat Earth Day

   Ladies: Anything is a d ildo if you're brave enough

   Sir your resume just says 'FUN' in huge letters and then you list all the crimes you've committed.

   Things were going good, so of course I f cuked it up by being myself.

   You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f cuk down.

   Pro tip: Let women know ahead of time how bad you are in bed by overusing the word "awesome"

   What's cardio, and can I eat it?

   I selfie-a-day so people don't think I died.

   'Why are you walking away when we're in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! At least give me your number!'

   A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.

   "Happy Earth Day! Our planet looks pretty good for only being 6,000 years old!" - Ken Ham.

   Angry, angry Christians everywhere (insert toy story meme here)