Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Jury duty? Want to get out of it? Remember those four little words..."The spud did it."

   ...... Today is 4-21 .... National Surprise Drug Test Day!

   And God promised men that good wives would be found in all corners of the world,,then He made the earth round and laughed and laughed

   Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!

   An oversized kitten blessed me with a gigantic ballsack

   I came in like a wrecking ball. Then I realized I had the wrong house. My bad.

   My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.

   I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.

   Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.

   You can pour coffee into the reservoir marked “water” on your coffee maker. You can do this as many times as you want!!! Science!!!

   My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

   So the clown at my kid's birthday party has been pulling a CVS receipt out of his sleeve for the past 20 minutes..

   All the Christian festivals revolve around chocolate & presents. Almost as if they're trying to lure kids in for some reason.

   After all these years, I finally figured out the reason why The Professor never got the castaways off Gilligan's Island, while we all know that he very well could have. He was doing both Ginger AND Maryann.

   Sorry I'm late,, the floor was lava

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace.

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to…go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   I never meant to pleasure myself in front of the cobras. The cobras were loving it.

   every time a hipster says they can't eat gluten Zooey Dechanel gets an extra eyelash

   So it's "cute" when I take a bath in the kitchen sink as a baby but "a felony" when I do it as an adult? This is the worst Applebee's ever