Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   On a scale of one to forgets to breathe, how stupid are you?

   If cats could deliver pizza, I would be pretty much done with all human interaction.

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting

   I don’t think of it as eating grapes, I think of it as preventing future raisins. Some call me a hero.

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

   Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?

   It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   “It’s a frapp!” - Admiral Ackbar, Starbucks barista.

   Corporate says we are having a half day at work today for 'April Day'. It's 2014, we can't even say Good Friday anymore? Society.

   Asked coworker what she was going tonight? She replied, drinking. I meant for Good Friday. She said dont worry, I'll pour one out for him.

   I have had it with Jimmy Crackcorn and his blatant apathy!

   People who don't return the favour during oral sex are the real terrorists.

   Have you ever been so drunk that you think its 1999?

   Why did the turtle cross the road? ...To get to the shell station!

   I advise you...don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.

   Most of the lies I tell aren't even true!

   I've took notice my Wife keeps scribbling in her diary that she thinks I'm to nosey