Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I'm pretty sure it the refrigerator.

   My spirit animal would run into a screen door.

   Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

   I've always pictured myself taking selfies.

   I just realized that yet another piece of Americana is gone. The computer age has completely obliterated the following often heard phrase: "Send a self-addressed stamped envelope...."

   I wonder if cat parents are telling their kittens about the good old days, when they could sleep on top of the TV.

   Anyone want to hang out tonight? Miley ruined my plans...

   Today's Pet Peeve: Overachieving seat belts.

   Nothing saves money like being antisocial.

   If the baby mama can claim a child on their taxes and get money why can't I claim my child support payments?

   Ladies; Make sure you "got it" before you "flaunt it."

   Hello 911? Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

   I let a girl go through my phone recently, but then I threw her in my trunk.

   I thought my mom forgot about Dre until she showed up at the beach wearing nuthin but a g-strang.

   Sometimes I'll re-read my older jokes that I once thought were funny and think,,, "I am the lamest person who ever lived."

   Eating 4 cans of alphabet soup will give you a giant vowel movement.

   Maybe Dog the Bounty Hunter should stop bleaching his mullet so dudes can't see him coming a mile away

   Why can't my coworkers just play on their phones like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.

   Question of the day: If somebody threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey would be considered stoned of your a$$?

   Easter this Sunday....The one day where I can say "I am putting all my EGGS in one basket!