Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.

   I am a blood moon survivor.

   If king Joffery of GoT and Justin Bieber were to be in a sinking ship, what colour of wet paint would you love to watch dry?

   So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?

   Attention: Today only you can buy #googleglass for $1500 and look like an even bigger D-bag! It even matches your bluetooth earpiece.

   I weigh myself every morning so I know exactly how much I need to hate myself that day.

   I knew the sex was over when she woke up.

   I can only take selfies because I'm alonies

   Forget the universe, think of how insignificant you are on Facebook.

   Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.

   How to conquer a woman and lose her in 3 seconds...you look beautiful! You don´t look like you at all!

   All you need to find true love is a gun, some rope and duct tape.

   Good looks are a bonus, humour is a must.

   It's okay to hate happy people.

   My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.

   “Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.”

   OK, How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

   why is it when there are 2 girls in a profile picture it always belongs to the uglier of the two?

   It's been a year since the Boston bombing. It makes me very sad that one of the bombers is still alive.

   .... There are only two things that are certain in life .... and I took care of one of them today .... let's hope the other one holds off for a while ....