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The French are horrible at robbing banks. As soon as they get out of the bank with the money, they go straight to police station and surrender. 
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
At my age, Friends with Insurance Benefits sounds just as appealing.
Getting married at 22 sounds alot like leaving the party at 9:30
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
It scares me that some of you have children.
I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.
I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
What's with those lower urinals? Are they for small boys or large men?
So many baby mothers post up pictures of their kids everyday.. I'm watching them grow.. I'm technically their step dad
Does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won't share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding... I have no clue whose kid this is.
I bet aliens would visit us more if will smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
I wish they made c ondoms for ears so I didn't have to hear so much bullsh*t.
My husband said, "Good Morning" and thats how the fight started.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.
I put the I just wanna TALK in STALK
My OCD can run circles around your anxiety disorder.... Perfect, organized circles.
My doctor says I should exercise. Uh, excercise. That's that thing where you have to move, right?
He said "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore." She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"
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