Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If your woman is always reminding you of how other many guys want her and you are lucky she is still with you, dump that ho. Let those wolves have her.

   If v-a-g-i-n-a-s weren't meant to be kissed, they wouldn't have lips.

   I heard the black box was found. Oprah spread her legs for Dr. Phil.

   Never bring a hangover to a wife fight.

   If you're happy and you know it, leave your wife.

   Let's get naked and stay that way for a day. Or three.

   Me: honey, would you be psycho enough to murder my ass? Wife: "wear my thongs one more time and see what happens to you!"

   Thanks for the sex, but I'm still not going to 'LIKE' your Facebook pic.

   My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house. My wife was furious.

   In my defence, he didn't accept the breath mint when I offered it

   Procrastination comes to those who wait

   When you have a strict German wife and a questionable lifestyle you often have to explain to the guys how you "fell down the stairs" again.

   Army drone crashes near Pennsylvania elementary school! Probably taking pics of lil kids - NS@ Pedophiles

   Living without regret begins first by killing all the memory cells with something called alcohol.

   Popeye teaches you that spinach makes you stonger while completely skipping over the part about pooing your pants at work.

   Ants can lift fifty times their own body weight, but do they lift even one finger around the house? NO!

   Sorry NCAA, but "The Process Of Paint Drying" is on discovery channel. Maybe next time.

   Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.

   ATMs should require you to pass a breathalyzer before you can make a withdrawal after midnight

   I just had to cancel my Christian Mingle account... they found out I was on JDate.