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I don't get drunk, I get able to tolerate other people. 
At my job I am forced to deal with more c unts than a gynecologist.
in the words of our dear beloved and departed, Mother Theresa - “these hoes ain’t loyal”
how come there’s nothing in the bible about people who step on the back of your shoe then it comes off? christianity is okay with that?
I’m starting to think some people only have girlfriends so they can walk slowly in public in front of some guy in a hurry
Looking for hot women on the TV show "Jeopardy". Uh,..nope. Not today.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
You are the birthday card with no money in it of people.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.
Burger King ripped off McD's with the Big King. Now they are ripping off Wataburger with the Twataburger.... it is a fish sandwich.
“I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends." Lincoln. It means, in order to turn your enemies into friends, you have to become President.
When life hands you pig hooves and horse gums, make hot dogs.
*Looks at Olive Garden menu.... "Waiter?,, Up up down down left right left right B A"... Waiter: "Unlimited breadsticks, coming right up"
"As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits
Good grief...dont just sit there with a stupid look on your face like Stephen Hawking...say something!
If you feel like you've done nothing in life remember that some trees take 20 years to grow only to become notebooks with Justin Bieber on them.
There is more strippers in Detroit then normal people.
If you have a mustache always keep it neat, I don't want to see anything hanging over your lips
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