Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   a girlfriend someone I'm supposed to like or not? I forget how this works.

   Women keep making fun of my fanny pack but they feel dumb when they discover I have cupcakes there.

   Not now life... come back when I'm drunk.

   I'm just here for the friend zones.

   Life Tip: Always read medication instructions in a mocking voice

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.

   Money doesn’t buy happiness... Wait, look at all of those smiling women walking around wearing diamonds.

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   Three weeks without a signal typo!

   Taco bell now serves breakfast. America is truly a magical place.

   "Let there be me." God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

   Drake has female tendencies.

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers

   I get a lot of “You must work out!!!” I just wish it wasn’t from doctors

   I'd like the chicken-fried steak please.."Um lemme get back to you". * runs to kitchen, "YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK?"

   If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

   I will not be composing any quality p osts today. So just keep scrolling.

   She's saving herself for marriage, I'm saving myself for divorce.

   If you can't handle my Kung Fu noises in the bedroom, then it's probably not going to work out.