Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   We should just "pile on" and ask Chris Christie about the Velveeta shortage...

   If you're happy and you know it share your meds.

   My only stalker is Sallie Mae

   "In 300 feet you will arrive at your destination. But it was never about the destination. You know that now." - Buddhist GPS

   Three Basic Rules of Plumbing: Hot goes on the left, cold goes on the right and $h!t doesn't flow uphill.

   There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces.

   Fog is just depressed clouds. Come on fog, get up there and be somebody!

   Governor Chris Christie ran his pie hole for 2 hours, that explains the warmer weather!

   Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air... Don't do dope, kids.

   I've got this really good recipe were I burn the hell out of everything and we go out for pizza.

   I'm not judgmental, so when I see a person driving slow in the fast lane, I never assume what gender she is

   I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best

   Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention

   Just put some trousers on I last wore at a wedding in 2001 and found a Nokia 3210 in the back pocket. It's still got 2 bars of battery on it.

   The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

   My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

   My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair

   A man walks into a library and asks for a book on poor customer service. "Go f *ck yourself...." says the librarian.

   When you're dead, it's really, really, easy for you.....I mean you don't know,,,,it's just hard on others...same thing when you're stupid....

   Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?