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Oh, I would love to stay for your yoga class....but, I think I would rather floss with barbwire or give myself a tattoo. 
Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me... Also, I just assumed that you knew.
I don't want to rescue pets, farm, pop bubbles, or crush candy...
Hmm, very untrusting of the old white van parked at the play ground with the handwritten cardboard sign saying "free candy inside"... sending one of my kids to check it out...
I can't believe Walmart already has Valentine's Day stuff out. which reminds me.. I need to lose my girlfriend soon
Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan.
My friend is REALLY pi$sed!! He had a vasectomy last year and found out the hard way it doesn't always work..... And apparently it can make your baby black.
Obama is like a penny.....2 sided and almost worthless
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don't even have to try to find out who lost it, because it's the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
For heaven's sake, stop blaming yourself. I have already done that for you.
Reminder: You are a perishable item, live accordingly.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
Vegetarian: An old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter." Vegan: An old Indian word meaning "really lousy hunter."
I think I have now watched enough murder cases on the Crime Investigations Channel to become a murderer.
fricking elf on the shelf robbed my house! Little bastard took everything! If you see him, call me!
I couldn't handle life if I wasn't weird.
I want to grow my own food but I can't find any bacon seeds.
Too bad no one here has watched enough comedies to be a comedian... 