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The best part of waking up..... Is Bailey's In My Cup... 
*eats apple while maintaining eye contact with doctor*
Nutella flavoured toothpaste... *steps on stage*... *collects million dollar prize*
I don't know how I didn't get pulled over by the cops last night. I was definitely driving under the influence of a good bl0wj0b.
If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday",,,, To just about every comment.
The only way I know if I've bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
January is what Monday would look like if it grew up.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn't even eat them?
Well, since we can't be younger, let's be stupid.
So after being on a non-stop holiday food binge, I mustered the courage to step on my talking bathroom scales this morning. It said "One at a time, please." FML.
I've only been in this city 2 nights and already there are 4 bars I can never go back to
Well another year has passed, I think I have just about given up on the Mayans...
Trying to put together last night events. No tiger in the bathroom. No face tattoo, ....can't find my pants
I love you and you ignore me, I ignore you and you love me.
Just tried to type "HAPPY NEW YEAR" but my phone went with "HAPPY NEW ZEALAND",,, So yeah,,, wishing everyone that.
As I get off the rollercoaster that was 2013, I step into the elevator that is 2014, and press up. Sounds good on paper, anyway....lol
I remember 2013 like it was yesterday.
So today was the first day of Obamacare and all the Dr offices were closed...
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you." 