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My wife gives great head...ache. 
May all your troubles last as only long as your New Year resolutions.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Humor is a great way to get a girl into your bed but handcuffs is the best way to keep her there.
I'm so drunk I could watch Fox News.
I support the death penalty, but only for the most heinous and unforgivable crimes like murder, rape or breast reduction surgery.
I have my own clothing line... it's called naked.
There’s no relationship problem that a good tickle fight can’t solve.
I am in the best shape of my life! Thanks poverty.
If it wasn't for me, my life would be pretty awesome.
She's totally hot, dude! Trust me! - alcohol
I call the other side of my bed the Passenger side. It only makes sense.
When I said I was good in the kitchen, I assumed you meant being bent over the dishwasher.
Don't forget: it's very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
Till - when we get bored with each other and what used to be cute now makes us feel homicidal rage - do us part
Goals for 2014: 1) 2) 3) 4) Don't die
Dear Liver: The holidays are almost over. Come on you can do this!
I wish I loved anything as much as New Yorkers love to tell you they're from New York.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area
I'm a connoisseur of bad decisions. 